I apologize for the lack of action going on here. This past couple of months have been…. well…unexpected and I’ve just not really had much to blog about as I didn’t feel that I should be writing in the state of mind I was in.
Many of you know Mine and James’ struggles with trying to get pregnant, it has been almost 3 years and infertility is one of the most painful (emotionally) and hardest struggles I have ever gone through in my life. I can not speak for James, but I know it has not been a walk in the park for him either.
During the month of March we had been continuing with Acupuncture treatments and getting my body ‘prepared’ to hopefully be able to conceive naturally, without any IVF or fertility treatments. The acupuncturist said it can take up to 3 months to really kick in, so I just relaxed, enjoyed life, I was feeling very optimistic that this would do what it needed to do. On March 22nd I started spotting, my previous fertility doctor had told me this was a symptom of the cause of my infertility, lack of ovulating a healthy egg. But I was OK, I felt like we had just begun acupuncture and my body was still working itself out. The next day the spotting was much lighter, almost gone. I had a bunch of cheap internet pregnancy tests in the drawer, so I thought what the heck, lets just test anyway. So I tested and it was Stark white, not even a hint of a line, as usual I was in denial and carried the test into my room with me and put it down beside me hoping something would start to appear. I know it’s an absolutely ridiculous thing to do. After about 10minutes I looked down and I could have sworn there was a line, I stared at the test, holding it in different angles of light and then the thought dawned on me that I might actually be going mad, so what do i do…I take another test ofcourse, seems like the only logical thing a crazy person would do. Again there was a negative test staring back at my face, BUT after about 4 minutes the faintest of faint lines appeared. It was still so faint, (I was a week away from my period so this was really early) I still didn’t really think it was real, so what do i do…. I go and spend money on the tests that are supposedly more accurate… I rush home, pee on the stick… and there it was, my first ever POSITIVE pregnancy test. It was 100% positive, Then I FREAKED out, I thought I was going to pass out, I had to walk around the house, if I was standing still I thought I might fall over, James was sitting on the sofa, just telling me to calm down and that it probably wasn’t real (didn’t want to get his hopes up) I continued to walk around fanning my face like a complete over dramatic drama queen, then had to call my friend. James wasn’t being very helpful at this point. I did have him call my fertility doctor and they told me to use progesterone to stop the spotting, I had some left over from previous fertiity cycles thanks heavens. The time was about 10pm in the evening so I couldn’t rush off to the doctors, it was also saturday which meant I had to wait an entire day to get seen.
Sunday came, I had a little bit more spotting and I was very worried, I had taken about 3 more tests that had all got darker which was a good thing. Then Monday came and I called the first doctor that I found and he was able to see me in the next hour. As we were driving to the appointment I was in complete denial, I kept thinking I must have some sort of disease that mimics pregnancy.. thats the only answer right! As we waited I was trembling I was so nervous, we went right in for an ultrasound, I got probed with the big ultrasound stick, always a pleasure…. (sarcasm).. and we looked inside my uterus, my legs started shaking, we were staring at the screen, I was waiting to hear that i had some sort of horrible problem, then he said ‘well you are definitely pregnant’ James got all emotional and I was just in shock I think. Also we couldn’t see anything as it was so early, so he had us come back a week later. This time we got to see the gestational sac, no baby or yolk sac, but it was progress. The doctor kept telling us not to get too excited yet, and every week was a horribly long period of time. At the next ultrasound we saw the yolk sac, I should have been 5-6 weeks, so this was about normal. Then at every weekly ultrasound we would see progression, but ever so slight progression, I of course did all my research and I knew something wasn’t right, It was hard to talk to people about it because they would tell me I was being negative or that I was finally pregnant so just enjoy it. Then I began to think I was just being paranoid. Also my doctor was never very optimistic, he would always say to just wait and see what happens. When we saw a Heartbeat, most of my worries fell away, I was still a little numb as the doctor didn’t say if it was a good heartbeat or not, but I could tell from his tone that he thought my pregnancy was doomed.
So I found a new doctor, I saw him when I was 8weeks4days, in the initial exam he felt my pelvis and said I felt like I was 8 weeks along, I ofcourse knew that my insides would probably disagree with him, we moved into the ultrasound room…
As James and I sat there, I was just hoping for a miracle or that the previous doctor was just being less optimistic due to the fact I was so early in my pregnancy, I felt confident everything was ok and then in came the doctor, very sweet and much more compassionate then the last guy, then it began….As we looked at the screen, there was a little trouble trying to find the little embryo, at 8 weeks it shouldn’t have been that hard. When we finally found it, we looked at the heart beat, and also the size and it was still so small, I felt numb at this point, no emotion, I knew what was coming. The doctor proceeded to tell us that the heartbeat was very slow and it was measuring 6weeks instead of close to 9. As I sat up and asked lots of questions, I think it just hit me like a ton of bricks and I just felt overwhelmed with sadness, James couldn’t keep the brave face, then I had all these emotions and feelings just race through me. The feeling that you haven’t made your husband happy, even though it was not my fault, I couldn’t help but feel like my body wasn’t strong enough to carry a baby, his baby. I jumped off the table immediately hugged him and tried to comfort him, from what I had read online from all the research I had done I knew this was most likely a failed attempt. We left the doctors office feeling hopeless and had scheduled an appointment to come back in a week.
As we walked into the doctors office, The nurses weren’t as cheery as they had been before, on my appointment it had said I was scheduled for a miscarriage, well, I was still pregnant at this point and holding out for a miracle This whole past week we had been grieving and praying and just holding on the to the little hope we had left. I was so sad that I was so close, and now I was going to lose this little entity. In the ultrasound room we stared at the screen, hopeless yet having that tiny bit of hope that it would be ok, Then we found it, there was no heartbeat now and it had developed into a cyst. The yolk sac was enlarged which is a bad sign. Having prepared for this all week, I felt allot more calm then before. I also began to feel grateful that I had even got pregnant in the first place, that’s already an achievement. My doctor told me 1 in 4 pregnancies will miscarry due to unknown reasons allot of the time, he gave me two options, to miscarry naturally or to have a d&c in 2 days time. I chose to have the d&c, I had read horror stories of women miscarrying naturally and I was too afraid that it would traumatize me. The d&c went well, and I didn’t have any pain afterwards except a little cramping here and there. We also had the tissue analyzed to see what may of caused this to happen, but won’t know for a couple more weeks.
I am still continuing with the acupuncture and I am trying to figure out what to do with myself. I have been considering education, a job, part time work, but I still am unsure of what to do. As painful as this experience was, I did get pregnant, I also feel allot more content then before, I believe that we lived in heaven (or wherever you want to call it) before we came to this earth, and that my child is just waiting for a better body. It comforts me knowing that, and I have to remind myself I didn’t really lose anything, because I never had it in the first place.
I hope this will hopefully be a comfort to read rather then a horror story,
I will continue to try and keep you updated sooner, sorry it took me so long.
Love to all xoxoxox