Before I begin writing this post, I want to make it perfectly clear that I am not mad at anyone specifically, neither is this a personal attack on anybody. This is just something that has been on my mind lately and I have wanted to address it for a while.
Since my last post about the miscarriage, I was feeling OK, but since being around people I have noticed a change in the way that people act around me. When I went home, around some people I felt like nobody knew what to say, and so they didn’t talk to me as they would normally, which is understandable. But it made me feel alienated and pretty crappy. I also felt people were failing to acknowledge something quite distressing had happened. So I wanted to write this post so people can feel more comfortable about the situation and just get a better idea of how to be a good friend.
The do’s and don’ts:
Don’t send pictures of your positive pregnancy tests and expect a happy reaction. I just lost something that I’ve worked hard 2.5 years for. If you want to share your good news with me, a text or an email saying hey I just wanted to let you know I’m pregnant, hope your’e doing ok… something along those lines would be much better, rather then throwing in my face your happy news. Just be considerate. Am I bitter about it? Clearly I am, not because you are pregnant, but because I am not anymore. Call me selfish, but I think I’m entitled to feel sad about it.
Do ask me how I am: It’s so comforting to know that people care, and it makes me feel I have people who are looking out for me
Dont brush off what has happened with comments like, ‘Oh it’s just not the right time’….. somewhere in the world a druggie is pregnant, I don’t think timing has anything to do with it and it really bothers me when people say that. Another one is ‘At least you weren’t that far along’ This one is more understandable, but I was 10 weeks when I had my DnC, by that time there should have been a baby… and after you see a heartbeat, I don’t think it matters how far along you were.
Don’t use the word negative, there were times I was really down and sad, and when people would say I was being negative, it made me want to punch them in the mouth and knock there teeth out. It’s ok to be down in the dumps, sometimes you can’t help it, it’s unfortunate, but guess what being miserable comes with infertility and a miscarriage, its such an emotional tornado and it makes you feel like a failure. It’s usually only temporary, but by calling someone negative when they are in a bad place is like pushing them deeper into the pit. Rather then point out the bad, try to encourage by being nice, and suggesting something positive.
Dont tell me how to feel. or what to do. Just be a friend and listen and be there.
DO talk to me like a normal person.
I was shocked at the lack of understanding from some people, it made me feel even worse then I already did. But thank fully I have some GREAT friends who are there for me all the time when I need them and I am able to talk to them without feeling worse about myself.
I went on allot of online Miscarriage forums for comfort and I was surprised that the same thing was happening to them, people saying insensitive and unwanted things. This is one of those things that happens to SO many women and people just don’t know how to deal with it because it’s not something people talk about. I would probably be the same way had I of not gone through what I’ve gone through.
Bottom line is, be a friend, listen, acknowledge and encourage.