Miscarriage For Dummies

Hi all,

Before I begin writing this post, I want to make it perfectly clear that I am not mad at anyone specifically, neither is this a personal attack on anybody. This is just something that has been on my mind lately and I have wanted to address it for a while.

Since my last post about the miscarriage, I was feeling OK, but since being around people I have noticed a change in the way that people act around me. When I went home, around some people I felt like nobody knew what to say, and so they didn’t talk to me as they would normally, which is understandable. But it made me feel alienated and pretty crappy. I also felt people were failing to acknowledge something quite distressing had happened. So I wanted to write this post so people can feel more comfortable about the situation and just get a better idea of how to be a good friend.

The do’s and don’ts:

Don’t send pictures of your positive pregnancy tests and expect a happy reaction. I just lost something that I’ve worked hard 2.5 years for. If you want to share your good news with me, a text or an email saying hey I just wanted to let you know I’m pregnant, hope your’e doing ok… something along those lines would be much better, rather then throwing in my face your happy news. Just be considerate. Am I bitter about it? Clearly I am, not because you are pregnant, but because I am not anymore. Call me selfish, but I think I’m entitled to feel sad about it.

Do ask me how I am: It’s so comforting to know that people care, and it makes me feel I have people who are looking out for me

Dont brush off what has happened with comments like, ‘Oh it’s just not the right time’….. somewhere in the world a druggie is pregnant, I don’t think timing has anything to do with it and it really bothers me when people say that. Another one is ‘At least you weren’t that far along’ This one is more understandable, but I was 10 weeks when I had my DnC, by that time there should have been a baby… and after you see a heartbeat, I don’t think it matters how far along you were.

Do Listen

Don’t use the word negative, there were times I was really down and sad, and when people would say I was being negative, it made me want to punch them in the mouth and knock there teeth out. It’s ok to be down in the dumps, sometimes you can’t help it, it’s unfortunate, but guess what being miserable comes with infertility and a miscarriage, its such an emotional tornado and it makes you feel like a failure. It’s usually only temporary, but by calling someone negative when they are in a bad place is like pushing them deeper into the pit. Rather then point out the bad, try to encourage by being nice, and suggesting something positive.

Dont tell me how to feel. or what to do. Just be a friend and listen and be there.

DO talk to me like a normal person.

I was shocked at the lack of understanding from some people, it made me feel even worse then I already did. But thank fully I have some GREAT friends who are there for me all the time when I need them and I am able to talk to them without feeling worse about myself.

I went on allot of online Miscarriage forums for comfort and I was surprised that the same thing was happening to them, people saying insensitive and unwanted things. This is one of those things that happens to SO many women and people just don’t know how to deal with it because it’s not something people talk about. I would probably be the same way had I of not gone through what I’ve gone through.

Bottom line is, be a friend, listen, acknowledge and encourage.

Unknown

 

 

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A few little thoughts

Hi everyone,

It’s been a long summer, sorry I have not blogged sooner. I’m writing this from my phone so hopefully there won’t be too many errors, I apologize in advance.

James and I have moved AGAIN, but this time it will be a more permanent situation. We are in Claremont, ca and I absolutely love the area here. We live in a beautiful townhome with everything we need in walking distance. Reminds me so much of home, which is why I love it so much.

For most of the summer I was in England, I threw Lucy a baby shower and got to be there when she gave birth and what an awesome experience that was, but that’s for it’s own post if Lucy’s ok with me doing that πŸ™‚

I have been struggling a little bit after the whole miscarriage, so many people are pregnant it’s really hard to get get away from it. I deleted Facebook off my phone so I don’t get depressed every time I see pregnancy announcements, or people posting how happy they are with their hundreds of children, and how great motherhood is, and I’m trying to focus on anything other than that. I have been getting frustrated with people’s lack of sensitivity towards the situation and I will be posting about that, but that’s a whole different and deeper post for another time.

I have applied for college for January 2014 to take some photography classes, scary but glad to be progressing in something that I enjoy. I want to do something I love and be GREAT at it πŸ™‚
James has said he will sing with me…. So hopefully he actually will. If not ill just keep singing by myself.

James and I just had lindy (James’ sister) randy and the kids visit this past weekend, we went to magic mountain and it was awesome. They have a new ride called ‘full throttle’ and was AWESOME… You must go and you must ride it πŸ™‚

Other than my sister having the most wonderful little baby in the world, and our move to Claremont, not much else is happening over here. But I will post about the birth, if Lucy’s ok with that, and my miscarriage for dummies.

Hope everyone is doing great, I will blog soon πŸ™‚

An Unfortunate Event

Hey Everyone,

I apologize for the lack of action going on here. This past couple of months have been…. well…unexpected and I’ve just not really had much to blog about as I didn’t feel that I should be writing in the state of mind I was in.

Many of you know Mine and James’ struggles with trying to get pregnant, it has been almost 3 years and infertility is one of the most painful (emotionally) and hardest struggles I have ever gone through in my life. I can not speak for James, but I know it has not been a walk in the park for him either.

During the month of March we had been continuing with Acupuncture treatments and getting my body ‘prepared’ to hopefully be able to conceive naturally, without any IVF or fertility treatments. The acupuncturist said it can take up to 3 months to really kick in, so I just relaxed, enjoyed life, I was feeling very optimistic that this would do what it needed to do. On March 22nd I started spotting, my previous fertility doctor had told me this was a symptom of the cause of my infertility, lack of ovulating a healthy egg. But I was OK, I felt like we had just begun acupuncture and my body was still working itself out. The next day the spotting was much lighter, almost gone. I had a bunch of cheap internet pregnancy tests in the drawer, so I thought what the heck, lets just test anyway. So I tested and it was Stark white, not even a hint of a line, as usual I was in denial and carried the test into my room with me and put it down beside me hoping something would start to appear. I know it’s an absolutely ridiculous thing to do. After about 10minutes I looked down and I could have sworn there was a line, I stared at the test, holding it in different angles of light and then the thought dawned on me that I might actually be going mad, so what do i do…I take another test ofcourse, seems like the only logical thing a crazy person would do. Again there was a negative test staring back at my face, BUT after about 4 minutes the faintest of faint lines appeared. It was still so faint, (I was a week away from my period so this was really early) I still didn’t really think it was real, so what do i do…. I go and spend money on the tests that are supposedly more accurate… I rush home, pee on the stick… and there it was, my first ever POSITIVE pregnancy test. It was 100% positive, Then I FREAKED out, I thought I was going to Β pass out, I had to walk around the house, if I was standing still I thought I might fall over, James was sitting on the sofa, just telling me to calm down and that it probably wasn’t real (didn’t want to get his hopes up) I continued to walk around fanning my face like a complete over dramatic drama queen, then had to call my friend. James wasn’t being very helpful at this point. I did have him call my fertility doctor and they told me to use progesterone to stop the spotting, I had some left over from previous fertiity cycles thanks heavens. The time was about 10pm in the evening so I couldn’t rush off to the doctors, it was also saturday which meant I had to wait an entire day to get seen.

Sunday came, I had a little bit more spotting and I was very worried, I had taken about 3 more tests that had all got darker which was a good thing. Then Monday came and I called the first doctor that I found and he was able to see me in the next hour. As we were driving to the appointment I was in complete denial, I kept thinking I must have some sort of disease that mimics pregnancy.. thats the only answer right! As we waited I was trembling I was so nervous, we went right in for an ultrasound, I got probed with the big ultrasound stick, always a pleasure…. (sarcasm).. and we looked inside my uterus, my legs started shaking, we were staring at the screen, I was waiting to hear that i had some sort of horrible problem, then he said ‘well you are definitely pregnant’ James got all emotional and I was just in shock I think. Also we couldn’t see anything as it was so early, so he had us come back a week later. This time we got to see the gestational sac, no baby or yolk sac, but it was progress. The doctor kept telling us not to get too excited yet, and every week was a horribly long period of time. At the next ultrasound we saw the yolk sac, I should have been 5-6 weeks, so this was about normal. Then at every weekly ultrasound we would see progression, but ever so slight progression, I of course did all my research and I knew something wasn’t right, It was hard to talk to people about it because they would tell me I was being negative or that I was finally pregnant so just enjoy it. Then I began to think I was just being paranoid. Also my doctor was never very optimistic, he would always say to just wait and see what happens. When we saw a Heartbeat, most of my worries fell away, I was still a little numb as the doctor didn’t say if it was a good heartbeat or not, but I could tell from his tone that he thought my pregnancy was doomed.

So I found a new doctor, I saw him when I was 8weeks4days, in the initial exam he felt my pelvis and said I felt like I was 8 weeks along, I ofcourse knew that my insides would probably disagree with him, we moved into the ultrasound room…

As James and I sat there, I was just hoping for a miracle or that the previous doctor was just being less optimistic due to the fact I was so early in my pregnancy, I felt confident everything was ok and then in came the doctor, very sweet and much more compassionate then the last guy, then it began….As we looked at the screen, there was a little trouble trying to find the little embryo, at 8 weeks it shouldn’t have been that hard. When we finally found it, we looked at the heart beat, and also the size and it was still so small, I felt numb at this point, no emotion, I knew what was coming. The doctor proceeded to tell us that the heartbeat was very slow and it was measuring 6weeks instead of close to 9. As I sat up and asked lots of questions, I think it just hit me like a ton of bricks and I just felt overwhelmed with sadness, James couldn’t keep the brave face, then I had all these emotions and feelings just race through me. The feeling that you haven’t made your husband happy, even though it was not my fault, I couldn’t help but feel like my body wasn’t strong enough to carry a baby, his baby. I jumped off the table immediately hugged him and tried to comfort him, from what I had read online from all the research I had done I knew this was most likely a failed attempt. We left the doctors office feeling hopeless and had scheduled an appointment to come back in a week.

As we walked into the doctors office, The nurses weren’t as cheery as they had been before, on my appointment it had said I was scheduled for a miscarriage, well, I was still pregnant at this point and holding out for a miracle This whole past week we had been grieving and praying and just holding on the to the little hope we had left. I was so sad that I was so close, and now I was going to lose this little entity. In the ultrasound room we stared at the screen, hopeless yet having that tiny bit of hope that it would be ok, Then we found it, there was no heartbeat now and it had developed into a cyst. The yolk sac was enlarged which is a bad sign. Having prepared for this all week, I felt allot more calm then before. I also began to feel grateful that I had even got pregnant in the first place, that’s already an achievement. My doctor told me 1 in 4 pregnancies will miscarry due to unknown reasons allot of the time, he gave me two options, to miscarry naturally or to have a d&c in 2 days time. I chose to have the d&c, I had read horror stories of women miscarrying naturally and I was too afraid that it would traumatize me. The d&c went well, and I didn’t have any pain afterwards except a little cramping here and there. We also had the tissue analyzed to see what may of caused this to happen, but won’t know for a couple more weeks.

I am still continuing with the acupuncture and I am trying to figure out what to do with myself. I have been considering education, a job, part time work, but I still am unsure of what to do. As painful as this experience was, I did get pregnant, I also feel allot more content then before, I believe that we lived in heaven (or wherever you want to call it) before we came to this earth, and that my child is just waiting for a better body. It comforts me knowing that, and I have to remind myself I didn’t really lose anything, because I never had it in the first place.

I hope this will hopefully be a comfort to read rather then a horror story,

I will continue to try and keep you updated sooner, sorry it took me so long.

 

Love to all xoxoxox

Growing Love for Needles

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I am sick of pumping myself full of hormones and having to inject myself in my tummy 4 days straight and all the other not-so fun stuff that you have to do to try and get pregnant. I am also sick of worrying about trying to get pregnant and feeling miserable every time my period arrives.

I had been reading up about natural ways to get pregnant, and as I was reading all these different articles and blog posts, the more I read the more I realized that I really need to get my body prepared for such a drastic change. If my body isn’t getting pregnant then there is something thats off, and Β I need to fix it.

I researched different Fertility Acupuncture centers and I found Zen Fertility, the reviews were ok, but the fact that they specialized in Fertility was a big PLUS. So, I scheduled an appointment, James and I had a consultation and 1 treatment session with a wonderful girl. She talked to us about our goals and what we were hoping to achieve, and we told her all of our concerns. She was a great listener and appeared to really empathize with us. After the consult she had James and I lay down. I was really apprehensive about the needles, I don’t have a fear of them but no one likes to be stuck with sharp pointy things right? She started with me, she inserted about 8 needles, all over my body, but a few gathered in my uterus area, the needles are so thin and flimsy that I barley felt anything, maybe a pinch here and there but no pain. She then moved on to James, turned on some relaxing asian music and left us to relax/meditate for about 30 minutes. I felt really relaxed, and just lay there soaking in all the different feelings I could feel, all the energy moving around my body. It was really weird, I don’t really know how to describe it. James on the other hand, was freaking out a little bit, he had a more emotional experience. Anybody who knows James, knows that he can’t sit still for 5 seconds without moving or doing something, so this was a definite challenge for him, I then started to worry and couldn’t help feeling that he was ruining my experience haha… He was fine after about 10 minutes. (I’ll let him post about his experience)

Once everything was done, they handed us a list of supplements that we should take, and gave us some price lists etc… and then we left.

I felt the experience was great, but I also felt like I should be fixing my entire body, not just the fertility aspect of it, I did some more research and found the info for the number one lady in San Diego for Acupuncture, I called her to schedule an appointment and I could tell she was a little wacky, she was asking about my situation and as she replied, she said she could feel my heart and she started to hyperventilate lol… I liked her, she seemed a little strange but that was ok.

This past Monday, and today, James and I visited our new acupuncturist, her treatment rooms were separate, but much more relaxing and comfortable then the previous. She inserted allot more needles then the other acupuncturist, and these ones HURT. When she inserted them it felt like a burning/stinging sensation, yes OUCH… but the pain lasts a second and then it’s gone. When she took the needles out on monday, they were vibrating from my energy πŸ˜€ Which means that it’s working. Hooraay. She also told me that she saw a little boy with blonde hair and blue eyes, so hopefully she’s not crazy, that night I also had a dream I was pregnant, I went to an ultrasound where there were two fetus’ in utero πŸ˜€ So fingers crossed this acupuncture heals my body and I get my babies.

Today whilst in the room with her as she was inserting the needles, she asked me if I felt that icy tingling on the back of my legs (She says she can feel things other people feel, so wanted to see if it was me) I told her no. She then asked, ‘Has someone close to you died recently?.’ I told her no, then started to worry that someone had died and I just didn’t know it. She could see I was worried and told me that it could be someone that passed before, but they were standing right next to me in the room. Not freaky at all, crazy lady poking me with needles, with a dead person watching… hah! I felt really relaxed, yes even after that, and I lay there for about 40 minutes just relaxing and focusing on all the different feelings again.

The needles do hurt with this new acupuncturist, but I feel that it’s better to be healing my entire body rather then focusing on just fertility, and even though she is a little wacko I feel like she really knows what she is doing.

I’m sorry this was a little rushed, after my next session on Friday next week I will update you πŸ˜€

Love to All xoxox

The Journey so far…

We have been married now, for 4.5 years, we have travelled the country, been fortunate enough to have had many many vacations and share most of our time together. I am very grateful for James and the luxuries we have been able to enjoy, I am grateful for all the friends we have made together, and all the amazing people that have been put into our lives. I’m sure that by reading up to this point you must all think I have this wonderful life filled with nothing but happiness. Well, as most of you already know, it’s not all roses and the green is definitely not greener on the other side. I get lonely and miss my family so much, and there is nothing that can replace family and true friends. I am grateful for Β James’ family, I am so blessed to have such a great family through my marriage and I am truly thankful for that.

In september 2010 James and I decided it was time to start popping out some kiddos, so we decided to start trying. February came and I knew something wasn’t right, I would go into detail but I don’t want to gross out the men reading this, lol, so I went to my OBGYN (gynecologist) everything was fine according to her, so she put me on clomid and progesterone supplements and I was still having the same problem. I was not pregnant, so we tried another round of clomid and a different form of progesterone. My problem was fixed that month but I was not pregnant. I knew that there was a bigger issue so I decided to schedule an appointment with a fertility endocrinologist. The appointment went well, I had all the tests done to make sure everything was how it should be and I was fine, EXCEPT I was not ovulating properly on my own, he described it as a half ovulation. So now we knew what the problem was we could start moving on to the next cycle and trying again. So we went on another round of clomid, when we started the clomid, James had a semen analysis done that came back TERRIBLE, he had a strep infection that was killing all of his sperm, so of course we did not get pregnant that month, and James had to take antibiotics for Β 30 days to kill that mother*. Every month that I was not pregnant I fell into a pit of depression, I cried, I panicked and I was in such despair it was miserable, and now not only was I the one with the issue, it was both of us. Once James was cured, we decided to try stronger meds. The clomid had given me ovarian cysts, so my doctor switched me to Femara (a less offensive drug on the body), and I would give myself 3 injections in my tummy over a period of 3 days, then give myself a 4th injection to ovulate, then timed baby dance πŸ˜‰ then the progesterone. We had to cancel that cycle as I got a virus and was too sick. I was also so depressed from not being pregnant that I took a well needed break from worrying about anything to do with pregnancy. We would try without the drugs every month just incase, but it never happened. A year later we decided to do the last protocol but with iui (intra uterine insemination) this is where they inject sperm directly into my uterus along with taking all the other drugs. On our first attempt at this the sperm count was only 5million, that is considered the lowest number for a possible pregnancy, so not only were our numbers low, they were the lowest, so our chances were pretty dim. I was not pregnant that month, all the anxiety and depression and frustration came back and we decided to try again. This time the sperm was TWO million. 2 million is not a number you want to hear. Also that morning my sister had just informed me that my nan had had a stroke, so I was overwhelmed with sadness and dissapointment. We went ahead with it as they didn’t charge us as the count was so low, then we jumped on a flight to England and I spent some time there trying not to think about it. I was not pregnant that month and it was heartbreaking as usual. The doctor suggested IVF as with low sperm counts that is the best option. I hate western medicine and all the drugs and hormones they pump into your body, so I am trying the homeopathic route and testing out acupuncture. I have had one session so far and it was interesting. I will post more info about that another time. I am also looking into adoption, I want to be prepared and know what my options are. I am praying everyday and having faith that it will happen. ‘Good things come to those who wait’

Aside from trying to get pregnant, I have considered getting a job, moving around so much makes things very difficult. I am still unsure what I would like to do job wise but I will figure it out soon.

I love taking pictures and editing them. I recently took some pictures of Amaya, my beautiful little niece, and my friend Cassie and her beautiful girls, I will post some of their pictures up here soon. I would love to one day make a living from photography, it’s creative, it’s fun and I think I’m good at it. I am taking a one time photography class soon, so I will keep you updated on how it goes.

My little puppies, Coco and Bella, are my little companions, I love just having them here and the love they give. They make me very happy πŸ˜€

We are all moved in and ready to start this new chapter in our lives here in San Diego. I will try to update you as much as I can. I will post my photography pictures and find many other interesting things for you guys to read. I hope this didn’t bore you to death,

Thanks for reading, leave me a comment to let me know you were here

Love to you all xoxox

p.s. What do you think of this layout?